i saw myself today.
dark, weary and grim.
the lowest i could be.
i mimicked a laugh.
i repeat a phrase.
i strung myself to move.
i forced a smile to put through the show.
until you saw me.
and sincerely told (that)..
'I am at the best version of myself today.'
ran as fast as i could..
ran along the beach..
ran through the windy air..
under the night sky..
to free myself of you.
as if you were the the dirt on my soles the waves easily washed..
as if you were the sweat in my skin the air could quickly dry.
as if you were the distance i passed and conquered..
as if you were the deep breaths i strongly exhaled..
as if you were the strength i blatantly exhausted..
but you weren't.
you became the crushing sound of waves i missed hearing..
you were the cold air that i wonderfully felt all over..
you were the long pathway ahead that i still wanted to run..
you were the salty seabreeze i inhaled smoothly..
you were the contentment i gained from lost energy..
i wanted to run to forget you...
but in the end..
i aimed to run again...
to remember you.
i watched the clouds moved on the wide skies tonight..
like a free movie being played everynight,
all you need is to look up.
i watched the cars drove under the bridge today..
like a full news being told every morning,
all you need is to look down.
i watched people walked and crossed streets outside..
like a featured story documented every time,
all you need is to look around.
i watched them...thinking,who would be doing the same?
minding the millions of raindrops ready to fall from the sky tonight.
the numbers of safety belts unbuckled today.
those feet rushing late everywhere..
to the billions and one living that i've watched today ,
i was just thinking,
was someone watching back??
you started as a habit i do for my saturdays.
you were like a dream that played through out the night.
you were a hangover the whole day next.
a vague hallucination in time of dusk.
then just like that, you were gone again by midnight.
the time of meeting you sickened me
that for the nth time we would be in a weird situation again
pressured to say something comforting at first
ending up telling strenuous words again and again..
tiring debacles of the past that actually did not make sense anymore.
the fact that you of all people, would not like it,
but we could not just help it.
we had gone tired and helpless,
yet for sure the moment we see each other we would be back doing just that...
the gloomy sky stares down at us like angry eyes observing its prey,
that anywhere we go its as if we would be caught unprepared for its ultimate strike.
we tend to be vigilant, taking our hopes as we look up and plead for impunity.
yet it would just glare back...contemplating.
and when darkness spills throughout this earth again...
the silent dread fills every space inside us.
even the cold walls and heavy roofs between us and nature shakes with apprehension.
until the stars hide behind thick clouds,
the wind blows a little stronger..
the rain pours a little harder..
when words won't go together to form sense..
mind's jumbled to keep from staying sane..
and emotions cluttered for the day...
the craving for rational thoughts is killing me..
i'm addicted to this..
it is what i do best out of 'me'.
when all else fails..
on May 14, 2009, i've made my first piece and since then i've continued writing.whatever thoughts that come out of me... i jotted it down and published it. and to add is my new found (low-key) hobby, my own simple photography.
for the things that inspired me to do this. it has been always a dream, many times i tried writing short stories, many times i threw away used pens and crumpled papers, many times i typed for hours then ended pressing down the backspace key for half a minute. many times i started a plot, completed a chapter and imagined the ending. many times, i tried and until now, i am still trying.
i first experienced 'i wrote this for you' when my sister gave me the link to check it out. it had been the encouragement i needed to create one of my own. and from that day, i have always been a fan of the artists' works. i may have copied something out of them, but it was the passion to a certain thing you simply loved. and i feel good for them to be able to appreciate that.
vocabulary word is the next for me, i don't know with anyone but searching through new words is one of the best hobby i enjoyed. it might sound 'geeky' but hey, it is super exciting for me!
i found my words to form accurate lines. lines that make a story. it's amazing to be able to do it and feel something warm, something really good.
i am writing because it is the best (i believe) i can do to define me.