the truce

i'll be gone for the holidays.
don't call me.
i'll be busy forgetting you.

the real deal

this isn't a game anymore.

this isn't a drill or a backup.

this is not a joke.

this is where you speak real words

and think real stuff.

this is where the battle continues

and you need to buck.

this is the real thing.

and this isn't highschool.

so get a grip and grow up.

holiday fever

i am down with a sickness..
i cannot seem to spell anything right today.

my mind is absent.
my heart is taking a holiday.
it's an empty hall in here.
but no worries. they'll be back soon.
they always go back...soon.

charades

we are like in a game of charades.

you acting and me trying to figure you out.

if only you interpret the words good enough.

and i can get what you are intending to say.

or rather..

if only i can read minds.

that would be way easy.

love month part 2

i don't mind at all when you make cute faces,
cool comments and pretty moves.

the jitters has finally subsided.

i guess that's what happened
when you are able to be sure
that all inside is honest-to-goodness
love.

love month part 1

blue cloudless sky.
the beach and summer.
fresh air and nature.
dried leaves and autumn.
friday nights and the whole day next.
midnight and sweet dreams.
december. birthdays and christmas.

few of my favorite things..

when it happens..
i feel 'love'.

the best of the worst

maybe we can never patch things up.

maybe we can never hold hands or even make a smile.

maybe we can never see each other straight in the eye.

maybe we can never say sorry,

maybe we can never say a real 'goodbye'.

but then...
maybe it's alright.

maybe it's the way it is.

maybe it's life 'at it's best' for both of us.

laugh bites

funny how foolish things get into you.
the dumber it gets, the more it blows you.

pathetic.
i need to think like a moronic disabled kid
just so i can get your coolness these days.

time for me to laugh. hard.

the time we grow up

reach and pull.

not reach and fall.

never lower down your wisdom just so you can level it with someone.

we have come to life's point

where we can be proud enough

of who we have grown to be.

it doesn't make sense to go back and be callow.

guide lines

every now and again..

remind me

to lose a bit of you.

blink

there is a space between doubts and trust.

the small distance from fear to solace.

a blink from rest and reality.

wherever that is..

i am found today.

even for a shortwhile.,

i breath in the freedom.

antidote

i don't like how this feels like..

give me reasons.

something.

anything.

just help me..

please.

'coz i don't trust myself today..

i can't seem to find the strength to quit you.

storytell

i was doing a good job playing my role.
i thought this scene was over for me.
yet the script has yet to change again.
and here i am caught waiting for the part,
where i would play the pathetic villain again,
or the serene hero this time.

will i bear saving the day,
telling a happy ending?
or will i ruin everything and face death in the end?

this is us..
we are living life like a full drama series.

my place

and i wonder what it would be like to be them.

no.

i can never be.

and i don't think i want to be.

the view in my corner of you is far much better.

our game

you wander around all day

and i try not to make time to notice.

i am winning anyway,

until you rob my game again.

unfair,

you always are.

how could i escape you in my dreams?

you backstabbing freak.

book 2

company.
time.

laughter.

secrets.

instincts.

thoughts.

dreams.

wishes.

heartbeat.

this is not a

dejavu

of failures.

your place

i have been to your place..

curiosity digs you low
until i almost lost my way
and be burried within your soul.

now i have gone right outside your gates..
yet it invites me again..
into your deep i dwell.

i know this..

that's why it scares the hell out of me now.

the fair share

when you hurt, you make reasons.

when you escape, it is for the best.

when you fail, it needs to happen..

because this world says so.

but,

when you're the one who's hurt,

left behind,

disappointed.

this life seemed so unfair.

and what does that say to you?

you're not the only one who gets afraid..

everyone does.

get a grip and hold on to yourself.

time

when is a good time to believe and risk?

when is the right moment to leave and let go?

when is the possible way to be happy and free?

when is the best moment to trust and fall in love?

when you feel old. you are still young they say.

when you act young. you need to get old they say.
when is the limit of young, and when is the best part of old?

when either way you just badly want to know,when...

when is the right time for you?

into deep

you have tested this water before.

to soak the tip of your toe once in awhile

is the farthest you could go.

no one wants to drown for the second time.

empty hall

when i walked out your door,

i wasn't planning on coming back.

i was hoping that you would run after...

knocking on mine.

chances

hundred and one things
to say that i choose you.
two or three things
to say not to.
half of a one
holds me back.

disappointments.
it can never retrieved interests.

left of an ego

everytime i asked myself

to give it another chance.

everytime i told myself

to try it again.

everytime i pushed myself

to take that choice.

but whenever i do and risk it all over again.

it hits back like a deadly wave crashing.
it feels like a trap ready for ambush.

leaving me humbled and trashed in the end.

and everytime (it happens)

i comfort myself

to understand.

it is the only thing left to go back to.

broken piece

and when he took time to see her,
there was a smile on her face.
but when he made the time to listen,
there was already a frown on her voice.
when he came for a hug,
there was something wrong with her warmth.
and when he asked her to come back,
there was not a thought for her to stay.

when all things were done as best as both could.
hence, they did not know,
it was already too late.

december

i can feel it in the cool air..
i can see it on the city lights..
i can hear it from the carols..

i start counting down the days..
something wonderful,
here it comes.

foreshadow

my role slowly fades.
my line's short and unimportant.
my face's slight to view.

a character at the start.
a part of the rising series.
a hem of the climax. and a glimpse after.

i lived in it once,
but now,
i am just a chapter about to be over.

it ain't my story anymore.
this time, i watch.
this time, you live and tell the ending.

make believe

i gather my thoughts at this very second..
winter, race car, island,
sea breeze, warm hands,
giggles and happy screams.

hhmm...definitely..
i am daydreaming again.

miracles

for a long time i seize to do..

i tried to open my hands and set things free..

i thought of regrets.

anticipated the emptiness.

but fear eluded me atlast..

it's simply amazing

how faith works in wonders.

i poured out what is left in me..

yet God flooded it back to overflow me.

blessings... i cannot seem to count.

the gift

some..
have their music
to find hymn and be the best they can be.

some run for miles
and be the outmost version of their self.

some fly to the highest
to feel their feet on the ground.

others have the eyes for art.
have the hands to create.
have the minds to discover.
and they are known to be the greatest of our kind.

me..
i have a few words to write once in a while.
and it's enough for my heart to beat,
and feel alive.

2 am

i look up the stars above and make a smile.

cocktails, music, and laughter,
they are having a party in heaven.

while the earth sleeps around me,
as the night quietly passes.

define you

you meet two friends in life.

the ones who come and can perfectly spell you

with an F,

an R,

I,

plus an E,N,D

and an S with an H-I-P.

and the ones,

that through times

when you cannot even bare to spell

the word anymore...

stay,

because even from a slight hunch,

they know it is still worth trusting.

interlude

we fail ourselves..
for sometimes we seek the freedom to be alone..
yet the very thought of it feels selfish..

why can't we be?
for atleast an hour, a day, a nightfall?
(why can't) for few moments,
guilt may give us a break?

old habits

it surprises me..

lying in bed, daydreaming.

pulling out a forgotten favorite book.

cooking a great meal for one.

watching a funny love story.

enjoying a Monday.

hearing an old friend.

laughing at an outdated joke.

saying something nice.

smiling for that thought.

old habits...

slowly come back to linger.
it feels familiar yet new all the same..

it feels warm.

i like it.

friends

i start to forget citing you.

i start to stop wearing you.

i start to feel easy hearing you.

i start to be happy seeing you.

i start to be normal being with you.

and that's when i know,

we are right to be where we are.

Father and child

i asked..
and i was answered..

i reached..

and i was held..

i weeped..

and i was comforted..

i confessed..

and i was forgiven..

i was dying..

and now.. i am saved..

it's time

i wish i won't lose my words today.
i am calm.
i am fine.
i have never been this fine,
on the idea of losing you.

final cut

what is pride when you still have the patience to understand.
what is apathy when you can be sensitive enough to feel.
what is sadness when you can try to let go and find peace.
what is fear when there is still courage to move on.
what is hurt when there is still love left to forgive.


i am at the edge of 'you n me'
and now, i'm ready to let go.

all soul's day

 

i am lost for words and thoughts...i'm sorry.

goodnight

and i wonder what it feels like

to talk over a cup of coffee (again).

you, me and the world (then) on a late night.

sad day

and time passes.
morning comes.
the whole day drags.
until the sun sets.
and this night ends.

we stick to the rule..
no 'crying' til midnight.

today

reality strikes you like a shock of a lightning..
as it screams painfully inside you,
embossing every word under your skin...

so now you won't be able to deny it any longer..

the truth..

'this' isn't worth it anymore.

turn about

fact is..

laughter can go down to tears.

loyalty may lead to betrayal.

independence comes to loneliness.

understanding may reach to jealousy,

patience brings to surrender.

courage loses with fear.

and love ends with a heartbreak.

the fact is..

when these things happen...

life moves on from there..

the hope is..

these also go the other way around.

define me

when 'you should love yourself more

than other people'.
when 'you need to think of yourself first
before them'.
these are what i've been told,
to find my real self.

but self-worth is not about me..

when it's the time i become selfless,
that's the time i feel.
loving someone means loving myself back..

shades of grin

i saw myself today.
dark, weary and grim.
the lowest i could be.
i mimicked a laugh.
i repeat a phrase.
i strung myself to move.
i forced a smile to put through the show.
until you saw me.
and sincerely told (that)..
'I am at the best version of myself today.'

mixed me

when all of us aim nothing but this simple life.
the irony of it..
is how i miss being complicated.

the blue parade

silence may keep you safe..
it may waste you.
unfound.

make yourself now.
scream and be free.

don't wait for everyone to seek you...
YOU...
show them..

12 am

i could never really understand..
no matter how much i move forward,
i kept going back the same way...
i kept repeating the page.

everyday,
i try to flip a leaf,
to move farther ahead..

i tried.. i am still trying.. and i will..

but everynight,
i go scan back the best parts..
i take a few steps behind.

i lost.. i am losing..(i'm afraid) i still will..

just like that..
i lose the things that need to matter.
on what freedom really feels like.
on why letting go is the the only way.
on how love really ends.

when can i ever completely understand...
that certain things had all come and passed already..
we are here no more.

coasting east

i ran..
ran as fast as i could..
ran along the beach..
ran through the windy air..
under the night sky..
i ran...
to free myself of you.

as if you were the the dirt on my soles the waves easily washed..
as if you were the sweat in my skin the air could quickly dry.
as if you were the distance i passed and conquered..
as if you were the deep breaths i strongly exhaled..
as if you were the strength i blatantly exhausted..

but you weren't.
instead,
you became the crushing sound of waves i missed hearing..
you were the cold air that i wonderfully felt all over..
you were the long pathway ahead that i still wanted to run..
you were the salty seabreeze i inhaled smoothly..
you were the contentment i gained from lost energy..

i wanted to run to forget you...
but in the end..
i aimed to run again...
to remember you.

still bridge

you stretched your arms for me to reach..

but the gap between us is far enough
to touch each other if both try..
now..if only i can open my palm to bridge that distance.
won't you let go atlast?
will i hold on this time?

nights for two

i take a time to fill my hands and tire my feet.
i take a chance to run away and hide elsewhere.
i take a moment to be lonely and stay soley.
i take a phase to be a rebel and a loser.

and it will be all over.
after..
i'll be going home
make dinner and light a candle.

waiting..
'coz you are coming.